#everybody give it up for chronic illness

[wizardnuke]

i don't want to go to work tomorrow i am so tired. pleabse.

[bowsellie]

we have chemistry

warnings: college!ellie x college!reader, stoner!ellie, chronically ill reader (not specific, just mentions of fatigue and a medical accommodation for a single room for plot reasons lol), weed usage (Ellie and reader), mild language, briefly proofread, no use of y/n minors dni! smut in 3rd section! top!ellie, some degradation, praise (reader called a good girl, pretty girl, etc., ellie told she's doing a good job), SO MUCH CONSENT WE <3 CONSENT, fingering (r! receiving), oral (r! receiving), aftercare.

💗💗💗

You didn't want to be taking organic chemistry. Nobody in that class did--not even the chemistry majors. But as finals season rolled around, you found yourself spending extra time to make sure that it would at least be worth your while. Needless to say, not everybody shared the same drive.

As the clock hit 8:49am on the last class before the exam, everybody started shoving their laptops away despite the professor's continuing drone. To your right there was an extra loud snap! as the student beside you--an auburn-haired girl you'd never seen before--shut the screen with finality. You shot her a glare, gently closing your notebook as people began to trickle out.

"You're smart, right?"

You angled your face towards the sound, assuming somebody was having a side conversation close by. Instead, you found yourself face to face with striking green eyes leaning to reach your line of sight.

"Hi. Yeah, you. You're using an actual notebook and have all the fancy pens and shit, so...are you smart?"

Your eyebrows drew together slightly as you shrugged with one shoulder. "I try, I guess. Um...why?"

One corner of the girl's mouth picked up. "I don't know if you've noticed, but I've literally never been to this class before. My grade sucks. But I really don't want to retake this shit. Do you think you could help me?"

You stared at her incredulously, mentally calculating the equation of audacity and arrogance it must take to expect a complete stranger to help despite a clear lack of effort.

You opened your mouth slightly to say some variation of hell fucking no, who do you think you are anyways?, maybe you should have considered that before skipping literally every other class meeting when she stuck out her hand. "I'm Ellie, by the way. I'll pay you for helping me." When you hesitated to shake it, she added a "please".

You rolled your eyes, shaking the girl--Ellie's--hand with slightly too much force. "Fine. Whatever. Give me your number." You slid your phone across the table, already open to the contacts app, and watched as she typed.

"You're a lifesaver! Thank you..." she asked, pausing for your name. You gave it. "Thank you."

💗💗💗

Getting back to your dorm and settling into bed for a nap, you briefly texted the number now in your phone as "Ellie" with the last name "Wehavechemistry".

hey

Almost immediately, three dots popped up.

hey there. do you like my contact? lmao

i mean, we do have chemistry together. so like...sure?

no no no. i meant like...we have chemistry. wink wink nudge nudge. and my last name starts with a w so it's funny. do you get it?

...

it's funny.

yeah yeah sure. very funny. hahaha. anyways.

when did you want to come over? i'm free all weekend, and the final's monday. sooooo

oh shit

didn't realize the final was monday

ummmmmmmm how does tomorrow at 8pm work? do you have a roommate or something we need to accommodate for?

no, no roommate. tomorrow at 8pm works fine for me. see you then, ellie.

:)

Turns out, texting with Ellie wasn't all that insufferable. She was friendlier than you expected, and every time you put your phone down to try and fall asleep you found your heart beating too fast at every notification to actually put it down.

Instead, you kept the conversation going until 8pm the next day rolled around, when instead of a text you got three loud raps at the door.

Opening it up, you saw Ellie in the same hoodie as yesterday. This time, her hair was slightly damp and she smelled like...old spice and something pungent and earthy. Did she shower already?

"Hey," you said, suddenly feeling awkward and over dressed in your jean shorts and crop top, hair still done from that afternoon. "You can come in."

Ellie grinned at you as she slid in the door. "We have a semester of schoolwork to cover. Hope you're prepared for a long night," she said.

"Trust me, I am. Did you bring anything?" You asked, looking for a bag as she climbed on to your bed.

"Nope. Not school stuff, anyways." Curious, you tossed your notebook towards her and watched as she pulled a pre-rolled joint and lighter from her hoodie pocket. "I'm assuming you don't smoke since you're like, a nerd, but do you mind if I do?"

You shook your head, dropping your jaw in false offense. "How lame do you think I am? Just because I actually go to class doesn't mean I'm a nerd."

Ellie shot you a disbelieving look, but handed you the joint anyways as you joined her on the bed. "Here, have the first hit. As a thank you for helping me out."

She lit it for you as you inhaled, passing her the weed and opening your notebook. "If this keeps you from retaining information that's not my fault. Just saying."

"Trust me, I'm so alert right now it's crazy. All of tonight is gonna be stuck in my memory for a while."

💗💗💗

The room gradually grew darker, lit only by your adjusting lamp and the last smoldering ashes of the joint as you reached halfway through the notebook.

You breathed heavily through your nose, looking at Ellie seriously. "It's so late. We're not going to finish this tonight."

As she looked up at you, you suddenly noticed how much closer you two had moved over the course of the night. Had your thighs been touching the whole time? Has her breath always been so close it's hitting your cheek? Why did she have to smell so good?

Your own breath caught in your throat as she leaned even closer to you, placing a hand so close to your leg you could feel the fabric of her sweatshirt against her bare thigh. Almost imperceptibly, her gaze flickered down to your chest, now rapidly rising and falling.

"How set do you think I am for this stupid final?" Ellie asked seriously, a rasp in her voice either from smoke or the lowered pitch.

"You picked up on everything really well, so at least the first half I think you'll do fine."

She grabbed your left hand in both of hers, causing your breath to catch again. Her eyes flickered down again, this time lingering longer. Following her gaze, you noticed the top of your bra peeking out.

"Sorry," you said, quickly adjusting your shirt to cover it as heat spread through your body.

"No, no, you're fine. Sorry for looking," she said. You looked at her face, watching as her eyes seemed to trace the shape of your shoulders and the line of your throat.

The air thickened with tension, but you found yourself not wanting Ellie to leave yet. "So, why did you take this class anyways? If you didn't want to go?"

Finally, she met your eyes. "I need a chemistry for my major. Astronomy. I thought I would like this one, but didn't realize it was a fucking 8am when I signed up. By the time I realized I wasn't going to make it up that early it was too late to drop." She shrugged. "What about you? Big chemistry fan?"

You snorted. "Not really, but I also needed a chemistry for my major. I like the 8ams, it lets me have afternoons free to sleep. That's why I don't have a roommate--medical accommodations for fatigue or whatever." She nodded along, genuinely listening.

"Well, hopefully I don't have to retake this class. Next time there probably won't be a pretty girl willing to help me out."

You smiled at her, breathing sharply out of your nose in a laugh. "We'll see what we can do."

A beat of silence washed over you before Ellie pointed towards the pride flag on your wall with her chin. "So...are you..." She began, causing you to laugh full out this time.

"Yeah. Obviously, I'd hope, but if you're feminine people tend to assume otherwise I guess." You smiled and looked at her. "Are you?"

Ellie placed a hand on her chest. "I'm hurt you had to ask. I've been trying to flirt with you since I got your number, babe."

Oh.

"Oh."

She leaned back a little. "I can cut it out, if you want. I couldn't tell if you were into it or not."

Without giving her time to continue doubting, you sprung forward and attached your lips to hers. Threading your fingers in her hair and breathing in as you pulled back.

"So...you are into it?"

"I'm a little dense, Ellie. Don't let the color-coded notes fool you. But yes. Now that I know...I'm into it."

She smiled at you with one side of her mouth again, this time leaning forward to kiss you first. Lips opening slightly, you felt her body around yours as her hands found the bed and pushed you on to your back.

Ellie pushed her tongue gently into your mouth, settling between your legs as they fell open. As you felt her weight between your hips, you groaned a little.

Whining a little as she pulled away, your eyes fluttered shut as Ellie threaded her fingers through the hair by your ear. "Is this supposed to be my payment?" you asked, leaning into her touch.

"Shut up," she said playfully, leaning in to kiss you again. This time it was more forceful, teeth bumping against teeth as your tongues chased each other. Too focused on the overwhelming sensation of Ellie's mouth on your own, you broke the kiss to moan in surprise when you felt her knee push against your core.

Using the opportunity to trail her mouth down your cheek, to your jaw, to your neck, Ellie asked "is this okay, baby?" between kisses. You nodded before remembering she couldn't see you, instead responding with a slightly choked "yes."

In response, her lips attached right behind your ear as her teeth sunk into you and she began to suck. You groaned, bucking your hips against her knee. Kindly, she began to push it back into you, laughing into your neck as you continued whimpering.

"What?" you asked. "Why are you laughing?"

Ellie pulled away from the spot she had been working into your collarbone, meeting your eyes. "You're just so pretty. Can't believe I have you falling apart for me and I've barely touched you."

Your mouth fell open at her words, groaning. Ellie's mouth found yours again, her hands reaching for your tits over your shirt. "Can't blame me for looking at these," she said between kisses, "You look so good in this shirt."

"Take it off, then," you said. You sounded braver than you felt, your stomach doing absolute flips as the girl over you quickly complied to reveal your lacy nude bra.

"I like this," she said softly. "I want it off, though. Is that okay, pretty?" You nodded. The bra was nothing special--just comfy and the right color. If Ellie liked it, though, it was now one of your favorites.

Her mouth moved down your chin and neck to attach to your left nipple, bringing a hand to your opposite hip as she sucked and licked lightly. Your hips continued to buck against her knee, which was now stationary as you essentially rode her thigh.

Chuckling a little, Ellie looked up at you and began unbuttoning your shorts. "Knew you'd be needy. What kind of thoughts are you hiding from me?" she asked, pulling off your bottoms and panties in one go when you lifted your hips to help.

You smiled a little watching her eyes attach themselves to the spot between your legs. "What can I say?" you said. "Maybe I'm a little slutty if the right girl has me under her."

This seemed to light something in Ellie, who watched your face as she brought your face down to your pussy. Close enough to feel her breath, her eyes gleamed as she moved away from your hips chasing her.

"Please," you asked, voice breaking. "Please, Ellie."

"Guess you are a slut, huh? Begging for me already." Whatever response you had was cut off by a screaming moan as her mouth attached itself to you, immediately lapping at your clit before interspersing it with longer licks. Your legs shut around her face as your hands grabbed into her hair, pulling a little as you noticed the groan she made at the pressure.

"That feels so good, Ellie." Her motions sped up at this, and you hurriedly repeated the phrase as she focused more attention on your clit. Feeling everything tighten, you wrapped your ankles around her back as your hips lifted almost completely off the bed. Still attached to you, Ellie fully moaned as you pulled her hair and came over her face.

Whimpering softly as she pulled away, you audibly groaned when she looked up at you and wiped her chin with the back of her hand. "You did so good, baby. Do you have another one in you?"

You quickly nodded, feeling words escape you. All you wanted was for her to say you did good again.

Ellie leaned into you, placing her head into the crook of your neck as her fingers ghosted lightly over your hips, stomach, and thighs. Finally, you felt them dip into the pool of wet that had collected in your cunt. Spreading the mix of saliva, cum, and arousal up to your clit and around your hole, she slowly pushed a slender finger into you. Your back arched off the bed when she began pumping it in and out, chuckling against your neck.

"Such a pretty girl. You're doing so good," she whispered. Your moans grew louder at her words and she pushed another finger in. "Good girl," she breathed, kissing your neck and jaw as she worked into you.

"Ellie," you gasped. "Ellie, please."

"What, baby?"

"Please, Ellie, please. Wanna cum."

You felt her lips quirk up against your collarbone as she added a thumb to your clit and a curl to her fingers. Quicker than you'd ever been able to get there yourself, you felt the tightening of your gut. She swallowed your moans with a sloppy kiss, gently catching your bottom lip between her teeth before soothing it with her tongue. She used her other hand to hold on to your hair at the scalp as you writhed, second orgasm shuddering through your body.

"Good girl," she said as she worked you through it. Sitting up, she wiped her fingers on your thighs before moving up up to let you rest your head on her chest. "You did so good, baby. My smart, pretty, good girl."

You whimpered a little, not prepared to speak just yet. Ellie seemed to understand and didn't push you, holding you and playing with your hair until you leaned back to smile at her.

"That was good. Thank you," you told her, leaning in for a kiss that tasted of your sweat and pussy.

Ellie broke away, moving the hand wrapped around your waist to grab something out of your back pocket. She placed it on your bare chest, tucking it between your tits.

"What do I look like, a prostitute?" you asked. "Much love to them, but..."

Ellie raised her eyebrows. "I mean, you fuck like a professional, but this is for helping me study."

You grabbed the bill and pushed it back into her pocket. "Save it for next time. We need to finish that notebook if you want to actually pass this class."

Ellie kissed the top of your head. "How does tomorrow work?"

A/N this is basically a self insert...my bad. tried to make it as inclusive to different readers as possible. let me know if there's anything I can improve on!! <3

[forgotten-daydreamer]

I love how inclusivity is handled in The Dragon Prince, here's why.

In most shows, as much as it bothers me to admit so, some people are right, inclusivity does feel forced sometimes. But it's not the characters' fault, it's not because of them being part of the lgbtq+ community, or being disabled, or being POC, or being strong women who do not conform to patriarchal standards.

It's not that.

It's that the show they are part of is a straight, white, abled parade - and notice, most of said shows won't even pass the Bechdel test.

So yes, in a show written by and aimed to straight, white, abled people, even I, a gay, non-binary, chronically ill person feel weird seeing charcters that are there just for the sake of inclusivity, albeit 'inorganic'.

In a show with the premise of "straight, white, abled men are the indiscussed MCs", seeing that one side-character that stands out and is often ridiculed and/or reduced to a single trait of their 'personality', such as 'the gay one', 'the asian one', 'the disabled one' (etc) is upsetting and feels uncomfortable as hell.

But TDP is different.

They immediately introduced powerful women, people of color, characters that are openly part of the lgbtq+ community, disabled characters etc. And not one of them per 'category', no. For the lgbtq+ community we have Amaya, Janai, Runaan, Ethari, Terry, Kazi. For the disabled community, we have Amaya again, Villads, and even a disabled wolf Ava. For the POC community, we have literally half of the cast, starting from King Harrow, then Ezran, every sunfire elf, Terry as well, etc. Same goes for women, who take up on roles that are rarely considered 'for women', like Opeli being the main member of the High Council, Amaya being the General, Rayla being the main Dragon Guard, Claudia being one of the main antagonists, etc.

Both main and side-characters are part of the communities, everything is so much more organic, enjoyable, thrilling.

We do not come in 'minor quantity'.

We are everywhere, among others, living our lives, doing our best, existing, thriving, proud. It's not just one or two of us among thousands. Surprise, 'categories' can mix! Just like I, a real human being, can be gay, enby as well as chronically ill, we can have characters like that as well! Amaya being lesbian and disabled, Terry being black and trans, Janai being black and lesbian, etc. And, another surprise, 'categories' don't define us. We don't 'shove it' in anyone's face like they say we do, we're just being us and cishets are upset because we don't conform to their sick standards.

Inclusivity is organic in TDP because nobody in that universe questions anyone else's color, gender, orientation, etc. And it's organic because we didn't have to wait half a season to see a black character, or a disabled character, or a gay character.

The key to inclusivity is to realise that we aren't just 'bonuses'. Fill shows and comics with lgbtq+, POC, disabled, and female characters. Not just one every 15, 20 characters. Everywhere.

We are everywhere! We are proud! We deserve to be seen! We deserve to be depicted as the normal people we are, without diminishing our traits but without making them our whole personality either. Treat us like human beings, be considerate like you should be with everyone on the planet of course, but treat us like humans.

Antagonising people who are 'different' (in the mind of straight, white, abled people) will not suppress us. We will keep insisting until you hear us. It's literally one of the main messages, one of the main teachings of TDP and it's so damn important.

Every single person on Earth should watch it. Every single kid should be introduced to TDP at an early age. Every old bigot should watch it, as well. Everybody. Even if it's considered a y7 (y10 for s4 and s5 apparently) show, everyone, no matter their age, should give it a try and watch it thoroughly.

Lots of love to the creators and everyone, literelly everyone involved in the production of one the best, most entertaining, most exciting, most formative shows ever. Please, keep it up! And thank you so much!

[seimsisk]

turns out I need to rant about House some more

see I have this friend who hates House because she's a woman with zero patience for asshole protagonists who everybody loves for no reason, which is fine, but then she watched some episodes and came to terrible no good very bad análises of the themes in House and everytime I think about it I get mad and ranty but I have no one to rant to

(like this was some three months ago. but my rant-brain doesn't know how to move on)

my friend seems to be under the impression that the core character trait of House (the character) is being an asshole, and that the episode where he talks about his teenage experience of meeting a genius doctor who everybody hated is some kind of badly written origin story of why he decided to be an asshole. which is a very upsetting analysis because of how unkind it is - it only makes sense of you assume the writing is bad

and it pisses me off first of all because that story was an explanation not of why house is an asshole but of why he's a doctor. totally different thing. and the reason he's a doctor is that he found out that doctors and respected even when they are hated.

so I would say House's core trait is not that he's an asshole exactly, but that he is hated. He's used to being hated, he doesn't try to not be hated, he hates himself even, and he genuinely believes that he is only tolerated because of his skills as a doctor. which is painfully relatable tbh.

house isn't just an asshole, he's a huge misfit who has come to the conclusion that trying to fit in is pointless and painful. he's a genius weirdo in too much pain to give a shit. he's chronically depressed but afraid treatment will dull his mind. he's an addict who argues that he needs his addiction to function (up until he accidentally almost kills someone). he's so obviously Neuro divergent that the show has like three separate episodes based around parallels between House and a neurodivergent and/or mentally disabled patient, and in each of them House is seen low-key envying those patients because they are not expected to behave like neurotypicals the way he is which is also painfully relatable. he's and asshole to everyone and he's extra special asshole to (neurotypical) people with physical disabilities (like he has), but he is genuinely kind and gentle to people with neurodivergencies and mental illnesses. also to whores. I think the thing is, if society hates you for who you are and how you behave, House immediately adopts you like a stray puppy, just like he adopts that sick rat Steve.

I was going somewhere with this but I forgot where. might continue rant later

[welcometothejianghu]

Welcome to another round of W2 Tells You What You Should See, where W2 (me) tries to sell you (you) on something you should be watching. Today's choice: 莲花楼/Mysterious Lotus Casebook

Mysterious Lotus Casebook is a 2023 drama about a beautiful twunk who just wants to die of his chronic illness in peace, except that neither the dumbass purebred dog of a man who has decided they're best friends now nor the jock begging him for a rematch are going to let him go without a fight (in the latter's case, literally).

Also they ride around in a magical bamboopunk RV.

I have referred to it elsewhere as "the CW presents: Nirvana in Fire," and I stand by that assessment. (I orginally called it Tiger Beat Nirvana in Fire, before realizing that Kids These Days will not get that reference. Shout out to the other elder millennials in the audience!)

There's been a lot of English-speaking fandom buzz about this show, to the point where if you're in these circles, I'm sure you've heard about it before. I know I had by the time I started watching -- which left me largely unprepared for the actual viewing experience, because the parts of the show that fans talk about are not a representative sample of the show itself.

This drama can be a good time. It's fun to watch. It has some hilarious beats and also some emotional moments. It spent its not-huge budget very smartly, and as such is generally quite lovely to look at. As my League of Nobleman rec will attest, I appreciate raw materials, and this is a show that has some fascinating raw materials.

(Or some materials that need to get rawed, take your pick.) (Also, it's not my fault they didn't do a dramatically lit Fang Duobing shot so I could round out the trio here.)

You'll find some people out there who've gone real hard for this show, doing some deep analyses and getting really emotional over it. I don't want my gentle ribbing to give the impression that those silly fans are delusionally talking like the show's a five-star restaurant when it's really just a fast food joint. Not so! There's a reason it's captivated a whole lot of people! And in case you might be one of those, allow me to give you five reasons you should consider watching it.

1. This bitch

The main character, Li Lianhua/Li Xiangyi is probably 50% of the show's appeal all by himself. He's fascinating. He's gender. He's fashion. He's been afflicted with a substance we called "bitch poison" the whole time we were watching. He has many emotions. He cries a lot. He coughs up blood every other episode. Cheng Yi is putting his whole lianhuassy into this performance, and it shows.

I made the Nirvana in Fire comparison earlier, and I stand by it for a lot of reasons, but the truth is that he's actually much more Opposite Day Mei Changsu: Li Lianhua wants all this stuff to fuck off and leave him alone forever. He is not seeking vengeance, nor does he particularly want to Do Schemes, but Circumstances keep dragging him back into the thick of all this nonsense he thought he left behind when he (mostly) died ten years ago.

The thing is, he used to be a real dick back when he was a kid. And I mean a real dick. He was a dick to his chronically insecure adoptive older brother. He was a dick to his girlfriend with the personality of wet tissue paper. He was a dick to the handsome loser who liked his girlfriend. He was a dick to his followers. He was basically just a cocky little shithead who thought he was the best at everything -- and he actually was the best at everything, which just made it worse.

Li Xiangyi used to think everything (especially himself) was sooooo important, and now that life has massively kicked his ass, Li Lianhua had come around to the position that nothing is actually that important, so let's just all chill and grow vegetables. He doesn't want a rematch. He doesn't want to retake his rightful place as the head of anything. He just wants to pay his respects to the dead before he joins them.

Now will everybody please just stop moving into his house.

2. goof-ass jianghu nonsense (affectionate)

As I mentioned earlier, everything I'd seen about the show on Tumblr had still left me absolutely unprepared for what a silly ride it is. Because it's silly. Hoo boy, is it silly. My wife dubbed it "lace front Phoenix Wright," just to give you a metric for how silly we're talking. Ace Detective Fang Duobing never cross-examined a parrot, but I feel he came close.

This show has some serious goof-ass jianghu nonsense -- you know, the sort of stuff that's impossible and ridiculous, except everybody’s going to treat it like it's just a normal part of existence. Here's a short and certainly inexhaustive list:

mind-controlling bugs

other bugs that control the mind-controlling bugs

ex-conjoined twins

a grown-ass man who can compress himself into bitchy third-grader

grave-robbing societies with secret brag language

so much nonconsensual qi-blocking performed by poking people in the boobs, that can't be safe, everybody wear thicker shirts

magical crossdressing powers

a bad guy who looks like this

a princess who can get abducted and sex-trafficked and, like, nobody really notices? huh.

healing childhood paralysis by the power of believing in yourself

a ... hallucination pit? what was that, anyway?

so. many. mechanisms.

the equivalent of the "he's only mostly dead" business from the Princess Bride

a gradually lethal bookshelf

the strange amnesia everyone suffers from where a dude can cover maybe 30% of his face and render himself immediately unrecognizable to long-time friends and associates

The thing is: I think this goof-ass jianghu nonsense is a legitimate selling point. I found it so fun. I turned off my need for show elements to obey little things like the laws of physics, and I had a good time. It can be a very funny drama, in part because it knows how silly a lot of its shit is, and it chooses to go full speed ahead with a sincere heart. If you are down for some shounen absurdity, you are in for a treat.

However:

2.2. goof-ass jianghu nonsense (derogatory)

I'm granting myself a sub-point here, because this is an important qualifier for the previous point.

I'm going to assume, based on what I've seen from fan responses, that many of the people who really like this show actually don't like the goof-ass jianghu nonsense. They are here for the BL vibes (after all, there are three cute boys who alll have some intense emotions about one another), and therefore downplay all the parts that aren't that. I want to make it clear that this is not a bad thing to do. There are many, many properties where I myself fixate on a single element and toss the rest into the sea. No judgment here.

However, since this is a post written to convine you to watch something, I want to make it clear what you're going to get if you dive in. If you're one of those people who skips scenes and/or entire episodes when your ship of choice isn't onscreen, you're probably going to be doing that a lot here. (I mean, I can't imagine doing this, but Tumblr has taught me that fandom is a rich tapestry.) The bones are good, but the connective tissue can be questionable.

The main thing I wish I'd known before starting is that the mysteries are not the selling point. They are the celery that gets the cute boy peanut butter to your mouth. You, the viewer, absolutely cannot solve them; you're never given enough context or information to keep up with the detective lads, much less get ahead of them. Everyone does everything in the most convoluted way possible, to the point of comic absurdity. Finding out whodunnit is rarely that satisfying, because too often the culprit is Jianghu Steve, You Know, That Guy Over There With The Superpower The Characters All Know About But You'd Never Heard Of Before Thirty Seconds Ago.

The goof-ass jianghu nonsense feels like the place where the show I see fans talking about least lines up with the show that actually exists. And I think that's a shame, because I think the show that actually exists is actually a good time! It's just, you know ... silly.

3. Whenever Di Feisheng's not onscreen, all the other characters should be asking, 'Where's Di Feisheng?

This drama gets sold like it's the adventures of three guys together. (Hell, I kind of did it myself in the intro.) This is not the case. This is the tale of two guys who do most of the plot stuff near one another, and their occasional third, Di Feisheng.

This is a 40-episode series and I swear this guy's onscreen for maybe 15% of the time -- and for half of that, he's just off doing his own thing anyway. He disappears entirely for huge chunks of the series, which is a crime, because he is my absolute favorite.

He is the rare grumpy himbo. He doesn't just have resting bitchface, he has bitchface for all occasions. He somehow has bitchface even during the rare moments he actually smiles. He's got a whole traumatic backstory, but the traumatic backstory is not the reason for the bitchface. He's Just Like That.

(Important to note that the actor himself only slightly has a resting bitchface. Xiao Shunyao can look normal and indeed quite pleasant. He has simply leaned into it real hard for this grouch.)

The one -- one -- reason I can accept his being gone for so ding-dang much of the show is how often he re-emerges with perfect, hilarious timing. Thank goodness the show realizes how much comedic potential his character has, because his unexpected entrances are some of the best laugh-out-loud moments of the series. If the show had taken Di Feisheng as seriously as Di Feisheng takes himself, he would have been unbearable. As it is, he's an unmitigated delight.

While you losers were being heterosexual, he studied the blade.

He makes the perfect foil for both Fang Duobing, who's the human equivalent of a puppy trying to gnaw an elephant to death, and Li Lianhua, who just wants to be excused from this narrative. Di Feisheng and Fang Duobing are basically two dogs fighting over their favorite toy, and their favorite toy is Li Lianhua, who really wishes he weren't. Some of the most compelling and fun moments of the series are when these three losers are all together.

And these three losers are barely all together.

This show is Not Danmei. It's so Not Danmei that I had a tremendously difficult time while making this post finding either official images or screencaps with even two of them in frame at the same time, much less all three. It is, however, a Danmei Starter Kit. I mean, the tag on AO3 has, at present, 742 works in it (283 in English). That's just since July! There are years-old c-drama shows that have a fraction of that fan output! And I'm willing to bet a big reason why is how little the very intense boys with ridiculously compelling interpersonal dynamics actually interact onscreen.

But, I hear you asking, why would less of what the fans want equal more fan goo? Well, friends, that's exactly what the fan goo is for: filling in the blanks. And this here show has a lot of blanks. Look, I've made a very scientific diagram (that many people seem to agree with) about how this all works:

The Hump of Compelling Mediocrity is the place where the amount of stuff worth thinking about far outpaces what the show actually contains of said stuff textually. It is the ideal location for imagination adventures.

Di Feisheng and Li Lianhua's relationship in particular lives right in the middle of that hump, what with the huge gaps in their backstory and all. They are a pair made entirely of unanswered questions. What the hell is going on there? What's their whole history, beyond the big fight? Why are they like this about one another? The show refuses to say. Whatever you imagine, you're correct. Now go tell AO3 about it.

interlude: God's perfect dipshit

I feel like I'm engaging in Fang Duobing erasure in the rest of this post, since he's not at the tip of any of the points I'm making, so I'm going to add a picture of him here, because I love him and want to pinch his perfect little cheeks.

You know what I am shocked by? How the MLC/DMBJ reincarnation fics apparently have not taken hold yet. I give it another two months.

4. IT HAS A DOG

FOX SPIRIT, MY SWEET BABY

'You mean the dog gets a whole selling point to himself' yes the dog gets a whole selling point to himself, because he is a very good dog and a very good boy (and his actor is a very good girl)

Apparently he has a whole backstory in the novel that never gets included in the drama, including an explanation of why he's named "Fox Spirit," if you feel like going and reading up on that.

Sadly, Fox Spirit is in the show even less than Di Feisheng is, and that is a crime, because he could have solved all these silly human mysteries in thirty minutes flat, Wishbone-style.

Dogs are so good.

5. One bad, bad girl

Do you like an unhinged villainess? Someone who's been sucking down Crazy Juice since beat one? Because oh boy, this show's got one of those for you.

Jiao Liqiao wants two things: to rule the world, and to make Di Feisheng her pretty little housewife. And whomst among us does not understand these two impulses?

She's not even the Big Bad! She's mostly just Di Feisheng's personal nightmare. She is the type of woman for whom the phrase "he's just not that into you" was coined. You've got everyone around her telling her, honey, I don't even think I've ever seen him look at a pair of breasts, while she's already planned their whole wedding menu and reserved the venue.

She has spent the last ten years of Di Feisheng's extended vacation making sure she's the one who's actually in charge, functioning as the point person for all the other evil schemes going on. Instead of handing over the reins upon her himbo boss' return, she's just going to keep doing what she's good at. As long as he keeps doing exactly what she wants him to do, she's gonna let him do it. If he gets out of line, well, there's always Plan B (the B stands for Breaking all of his tendons and making the world's surliest RealDoll).

I love the fact that she's so obviously evil, and he can't see it. To a certain point, it's not his fault -- everyone who serves under him is pretty obviously evil, so that doesn't make her special. But she's real evil even above and beyond that, and his dumb ass can't stop thinking about Li Lianhua long enough to notice any of the hundred or so knives she's aimed right at his back. He's so uninterested in her constant advances that he doesn't register how wanting to fuck someone and wanting to overthrow someone are not mutually exclusive desires.

(Was I bothered throughout most of the series by how her lipstick should be a little more crimson and a little less coral? Yes, but I'm not going to hold it against her. She's busy doing evil stuff. She'll get over to the nearest Jianghu Sephora and restock one of these days.)

While the show occasionally sidelines or straight-up forgets about a lot of its supporting characters for several episodes at a time, it never forgets to check in on what Jiao Liqiao's up to. Claws out, hair done, she is at all times a constant glorious, scenery-chewing menace with excellent taste in terrible men. Absolute legend.

Bonus: These two sluts

They don't get to be a full point because they're not nearly in the show enough, but just look at them. This is peak male character design. Slutty undone hair and slutty bare forearms, be still my bisexual heart.

Going to give it a try?

iQiyi's got you exclusively, baby.

Have I sounded a little defensive in this rec? Yeah, probably. It's just that I know there's a big and pretty intense fandom out there for this already, and I feel like a jerk coming in and being like "sure, it's fun!" when people are posting about how it made them cry for weeks. I want to be clear that that's not a bad reaction to have, while at the same time also being clear that that's not the reaction I had.

I might not even have written this rec, had I not been nudged to -- not because I don't think it's worth watching (I clearly do!), but because I don't know how much help it needs from the likes of me. There are plenty of other evangelists out there that'll give much more enthusiastic recommendations (like this one).

But the truth is that not every show has to be a heartbreaking work of staggering genius to everyone. I watched the show, and I liked it, and I had a normal time.

I also think there's something to the way I watched it, which was: one episode per day, schedule permitting, such that it took nearly two months for me to finish it. (And before you think I singled MLC out for this, this is actually how I watch most c-dramas.) I bet binging it is a way different experience, one where what rises more readily to the top is the tragic throughline of Li Lianhua's whole deal. If you're inclined to skip things not immediately germane to your points of interest, this is definitely the show to take at a solid run.

I actually paused in the middle of making this rec and made the one for the Blood of Youth, because the two invite comparisons: jianghu tales with chronically ill protagonists, some imperial bullshit going on, pretty boys with swords being weird about one another. Mysterious Lotus Casebook did not grab me as hard as the Blood of Youth, because MLC went for a more understated take on all its nonsense, instead of shooting completely over the top, which is how I prefer my nonsense (as the record will show). If you take your silliness with a subtler flavor, this could be the perfect thing for you.

Maybe you'll wind up being one of those people who gets their whole insides totally ripped out by this drama! But even if you don't, you're probably going to have a good time watching it anyway. And really, what more can you ask for from a show than that?

Peace, nerds.

[milkweedman]

Supported Spindles: A Beginner's Jumping Off Point

I'm trying to put together an easy mostly-video post of how to learn supported spinning for my partner, but of course am publishing it for everyone. It's starting from the context of having some drop spindle experience, so that's what I'm assuming for the purpose of this short guide. I'm including some text information for easier referencing as well.

First--you might ask "Why spin supported at all?" That's a fair question. It's not the tool for everybody, but it fills some niches that drop spindles (and any other tool) don't, so it may be what you're looking for without you even knowing it. If you're not familiar with the wide variety of spinning tools and methods that exist, you probably don't know a ton about supported spindles. They can have many shapes and sizes, but the one thing they all have in common is that they must be in a bowl (or a spinning spoon, or some other similar curved, smooth item) to spin.

Each method and tool of spinning is suited to one thing or another, and supported spinning is suited to the following:

1) thinner yarns. While it's entirely possible to spin fine yarns on drop spindles, wheels, or what have you, supported spindles are MADE for fine spinning, and largely cannot deal with spinning thicker yarns. This makes supported spinning great for people who want to spin for 3 or 4 ply sock yarns, lace (normal lace but also the truly fine lace like wedding ring shawls), etc. However, even if you don't tend to use thin yarns, there are larger supported spindles that can handle a thicker single, so the boundaries can vary a lot.

2) sitting down and/or being stationary. drop spindles are notable for being able to be used while walking or otherwise on the go, but supported spindles, since they must be in a bowl, are best used sitting, laying, or standing at a counter. I have read about them used walking via a spinning spoon tucked into the belt, but cannot attest to how practical that is myself. This makes supported spinning great for car/train/bus rides, waiting in line, watching tv, laying in bed, or anything like that.

3) small spaces. The most ergonomic way to spin supported is sitting comfortably cross legged or in a chair, with your elbows tucked in and your hands up. Your spinning is contained entirely to your lap, and (depending on your spinning style) you don't need to extend your arms out or do anything fancy. I've spun supported on a very cramped train without bothering the stranger sitting next to me all that much, which I've never been able to do with a drop spindle. For me this makes it much more suitable for public transit than drop spindles, but I think that comes down to how you use each tool rather than the tool itself.

4) low energy. Supported spinning doesn't take much energy, because you are doing very little moving (mostly your hands and forearms). It can be a great activity for when you're sick, or before bed when winding down. It's also worth trying if chronic illness or disability is stopping you from spinning on your other tools--I had to give up the drop spindle as my primary spinning tool because my shoulders are wrecked, and I can only treadle a spinning wheel on good days, but I can usually spin supported no matter what. (If supported isn't accessible for you, an espinner is your next best bet).

5) cool sound. Can't overstate this one. A wooden spindle in a wooden bowl sounds so good. Skip the metal or ball bearing tip if you want to hear it.

Without further ado, here's some videos I've compiled that covered things I thought were helpful. As a disclaimer, I seem to learn exclusively by doing things myself, so if these videos don't work for you, try looking up "supported spinning for beginner" or something similar. There are a lot of videos, and almost every single one has a different technique. Anyway, best first:

Video: Supported Spinning Tutorial by Lori Rhone (link)

Key things from this video:

get used to flicking the spindle without any fiber (just as you should with any spinning tool). try forming an O with your fingers to trap the spindle tip so it has something to fall against, flick as close to the tip as you can manage, etc.

they show a good variety of spinning bowls, especially objects that aren't intended to be spinning bowls (salt cellars, egg bowls, etc). if your spindle spins well in it, it's a spinning bowl. try out lots of stuff if you're having trouble finding a good one.

good posture and positioning--stay comfortable and keep your arms close to you, try to stop yourself from doing weird contortions, etc.

they discuss the importance of building a balanced cop, and show on another spindle how the cop they built maintains the general shape of the empty spindle. this isn't necessary, but it's good practice and certainly good to keep in mind. with drop spindles the added weight of the yarn is usually what determines a full spindle first, but with supported spindles the shape and size of the cop (or your own patience for spinning endless fine yarn) can be what does it instead.

+++

Video: The Basics of Supported Spindle by Amy King (link)

Key things from this video:

the variety of different shapes of supported spindles (there are even more shapes than what they've shown as well)

that you need to pair spindles and bowls--they don't all work with each other equally well or at all (purple--don't worry, I tested the spindle with the bowl I sent you, they like each other)

another method to park and draft on supported spindles, which is essentially the same as on drop spindles

their sweater is fantastic

+++

Video: Supported Spindles--a few tips for beginners by Nikolai Meriadoc (link)

Key things from this video:

if you have a good bowl to spin in but it's unstable, try putting it in another bowl or nestled in a blanket or something else. this can stabilize it a lot.

pre-drafting very finely can help. i forgot to go into it in the video but multiple passes where you go finer each time is usually the way to go if starting from roving or another commercial prep, in my opinion. you could also diz your fiber if you're going for a more worsted prep.

picking a fine fiber like merino, bfl, rambouillet, etc. can help you draft finer as well.

the angle at which you hold your fiber/yarn is important. it should be almost vertical while spinning, and horizontal while winding on.

+++

Hopefully that can get you all started ! There are also articles on the subject although I didn't include any as they weren't relevant for who I'm making this for, so be sure to look into them if that's something that would be helpful for you.

And remember:

This post isn't for radfems. It was made by and for trans people who love men <3

[morally-grey-girlbosses]

Propaganda under the cut.

Doctor Carmilla:

She’s literally the coolest person alive. But fr, she turned her gf into a vampire to stop her from dying of a chronic illness, gf turned abusive so Doc C killed her, fled her home planet and went to space where she was lonely so she created the mechanism, a space crew of immortal pirates. Doc found people who’s bodies broke, replacing one part of them with a mechanism that would keep them alive forever (with consent kind of??). She medically experimented on them and for millennia they roamed the galaxies together on the star ship aurora (a sentient moon-turned-space-ship who is in a loving relationship with one of the mechanisms, nastya rasputina whose mechanism is mercury blood). The doc hated her creations and what they did (mass murder and all that good shit), so she left. She gets such a bad rep in the mechs fandom. People will infantilize the mechanisms while villainizing The Doc. That’s not the story and she realized what she had done to the mechs and left and this is a terrible explanation but i love her sm and i wouldn’t even mind if she turned me into an immortal space pirate.

Catra:

shes a girlboss plain and simple. shes an abused child who lost her closest friend and decided if she couldnt be the hero shed be the villain. she beat up her abuser and became the top commander of the evil army, just under its leader. she tried to kill her ex best friend sooooooo many times. she briefly found solace in the desert but everything came undone and she ended up activating a portal that would destroy the world. she lived briefly in paradise but things went wrong and she tried to kill her ex best friend again. these two are SO homoerotic just to be clear like its genuinely insane. she became consumed by her work and lost her few real connections in the horde. she sent her friend to beast island to die. she hired a hot shapeshifter who betrayed her and her abandonment issues only escalated. shes deeply compelling and sympathetic. she got abducted and joined the evil space empire. she betrayed them. she got mind controlled. her ex best friend saved her. she saved the universe with the power of kissing her gf who was dying of poison. she did a lot of atrocities while she was being the teenage commander of an army trying to take over the world. shes super girlboss. shes snarky as fuck. i love her deeply. vote catra

She qualifies because she is the most morally ambiguous but she did it all out of love for the woman she loves. She's the best there is.

Did not give a SHIT that the evil invading force she worked for was evil even though she 100% knew. Instead of escaping she thought 'How do I make this worse for literally everybody including myself?' and then she did that.

poor little meowmeow who tried to destroy reality bc she has mommy issues. deserves to win bc she is a lesbian and she is so so hot

[racxnteur]

Incomeless; will proofread your fics! (Or anything else.)

I'm not sure how to head this with a snazzy, attention-catching image given I'm not offering an obviously graphic service like art commissions, but let's give it a go...

Hello, I'm your friendly neighborhood disabled unemployed transgender queer on the internet. I have not posted a great amount about the details on this blog for privacy reasons, but I am currently in an untenable familial/financial living situation, which I am actively working to get out of. My primary barrier to disentangling myself from the pertinent parties is a lack of income. I've been unable to pursue traditional means of work due to being multiply disabled (slash chronically ill, slash treatment-resistant, et cetera...), but I do not qualify for SSI or unemployment, so I am stuck trying to find other ways of making money.

This is where you come in... If you'd like to help, you can:

$$ Hire me $$ to proofread your fics, essays, and more!

Click below for info! (I also may add separate posts for diversity reading and/or other writing- and editing-related services.)

For $0.00855/word *OR BEST BID*, I will vet your work of writing before you publish it, checking for mistakes in spelling, capitalization, & punctuation, missed words, inconsistencies of tense, formatting, & POV, and miscellaneous grammatical errors. Never again need you fear posting a finished chapter and discovering a slew of typos after the fact; no matter how sleep-deprived or late at night the state of writing, I will ensure your text is ship-shape. Or, if you happen to be interested in having other types of writing proofread before submission--essays, comics or webtoons, letters, transcripts, compositions of a personal nature, so on--I will happily take these on at a comparable rate.[1]

Qualifications:

Bachelor's degree in English with a minor in writing

Initiate of international collegiate honors society for English scholarship, Sigma Tau Delta

Active member of the International Association of Professional Writers and Editors (IAPWE)

Former lit editor for award-winning university literary arts magazine

Prior employment in tutoring and teaching English, as well as copy-editing and content writing

Nearly 20 years' writing experience

Previous experience as both fic writer and beta

Incisive eye for typo-hunting and tenacious attention to detail (I have high standards and will make those everybody else's problem... now for pay!)

I will read for content of any genre and all ratings, and am broadly[2] open to any subject matter, kinks, et cetera. I'll also post more detailed guidelines (booking process, any exclusions, additional criteria) on a separate, unrebloggable post so that any edits and updates are always current.

Message me via the chat feature on Tumblr, or send me an e-mail (I will post it on my more info post) to request a quote, bid for a slot, or just to see what I can offer for whatever project you have in mind. And please feel encouraged to share or boost this post! I am in urgent need of any income I can get, and every share counts 😭🙌

. . . . . . . . . .

Proofreading Full Details · Other Services · Support Me (alternatively, Tip this post!)

- - - - - - - - - - - - -

[1] There will be some exclusions to this, such as academic assignments/papers that have style guide requirements; i.e., I will not be your online MLA style checker or anything.

[2] As with anything, there will be sporadic exceptions to this as well, but I will always be up-front about such cases.

[sirfrogsworth]

It's so weird for me that I am socially awkward now. Being able to drive and go out into the world has opened my eyes to the depths of my social anxiety. When I was stuck in the house I just didn't see that part of me very much.

In high school, before I got sick, I was the world's most enthusiastic extrovert. People looked to me to be the center of attention. When there was nothing to do in class everybody just expected me to do an improvised comedy performance.

And I ate that shit up. Attention was more powerful and intoxicating than any drug to me.

Some people would get stage fright before a public performance. I used to get whatever the opposite of that is. It energized me.

Stage... delight?

But then I got chronic fatigue and was unable to leave the house for two decades. And I guess social competence is a muscle that can atrophy. When I did public speaking at my dad's service... I was not good. My jokes fell flat. My reading of the speech I had written sounded like a young kid reading aloud for the first time. A good speech shouldn't sound like you are reading anything at all. It should sound as natural as speaking spontaneously. And I used to be so good at just that. But that skill feels lost to me and I'm not even sure practice could return it to me. My brain fog often causes this hesitation in what I say. And my fatigue just kills my confidence. Confidence is an energetic attitude to project.

When I went to the pizza place I walked up to the woman behind the counter and she asked, "Did you call for a pickup?" (~90% of their business is to-go phone orders.)

"Oh no. I don't actually do well on the phone so I thought I'd just come order in person."

She was busy. She did not need to know about my phone anxiety. The answer she was looking for was just, "No."

She asked, "Are you taking this to go?"

"Umm, is it okay if I eat it here?" *pointing at tables*

Why wouldn't it be okay to eat at the restaurant with tables and chairs? She tried to hide her confused looks, and I appreciate that. And you may not think this interaction was very awkward in written text, but it can be hard to describe discomfort and anxiety and words spoken without any confidence.

For years I have struggled with my philosophy of self. Like, am I an introvert now? If someone asks me if I am, what answer do I give them?

Or is that just a symptom of my condition? If I were magically given all of my energy back I'd most likely return to being that enthusiastic extrovert. I can even see that part of me emerge if I am talking to someone I know well and am comfortable with.

What am I?

Am I what my illness has turned me into or am I still what I was—just trapped under layers of fatigue?

[gatheredfates]

FIVE SONGS I'M INTO RIGHT NOW ✧˖°.

I got tagged by @hylfystt to list five songs I'm into right now! As I wanted to wait until I listened to the new Bad Omens album (because I knew the songs would rotate rent free in my head) I can update accordingly. ✨

ANYTHING > HUMAN - Bad Omens & Erra

This life was all it had to be. Designed, but not for you an me. I never needed you to be anything more than human.

IT'S GOOD. IT'S SEXY. BEST SONG OF THE ALBUM. It's sooo industrial and I love it.

celestina [hushed] - Crywolf & Emalyn.

Hold my life until the beating of your precious heart decides to kill. I'll bleed for you, love.

I used this song for my Alaice edit! I love how soft/ethereal this version is. (There is also a new Crywolf album next week and I... am not ready.)

notre dame - Paris Paloma

I rarely go down there, the view's just so beautiful from here and I can see everybody at their worst points. At their worst points.

I had this song pretty much on repeat for the entirety of last week; it has no right to be this longing and this pretty.

And So My Heart Became a Void - Ursine Vulpine & Annaca

Now we're standing in the sunlight and I can't bear the sight of you. Oh, my lover, what's on your mind? You're caught between two ways of life, a way for you to find the light. One day we will reconcile but that will have to wait this time.

The whole Solace EP gives me huge Azem/Emet vibes (or, really, Azem/Any Ancient) but this song in particular just HITS right. It's love, loss and longing in a way that feels so grandiose and otherworldly, but you can still relate to the intent behind it even if it feels beyond you. I love it.

The End - Halsey

When I met you, I said I would never die. But the joke was always mine 'cause I'm racing against time. And I know it's not the end of the world, but could you pick me up at eight? 'Cause my treatment starts today.

I've been a Halsey fan for years and, as someone who has cared for people with chronic illnesses (mental & physical), as well as battling with my own... yeah. It hits a certain way. If you're going through the same, it feels very cathartic.

Tagging: @mist-touched, @clouds-of-reveries, @redmoonwanderer, @ser-corviknight, @abalathia,

@hazelkjt, @candycryptids, @riftdancing, @clockchimesthirteen, @atupda & you!

If you'd like a chance of being tagged, you can like my permanent interaction call here!

[thewakingcloak]

The State of Things Yet to Come

The Ghost of Spacefarer Things Yet to Come is a hard guy to get ahold of, but I have at last wrangled him and tied him down until he wrote the blog post he promised:

The blog post he promised

I have looked into the future… where I am from… and ok yeah let's start off with the big news first! In the future… ProtoDungeon: Episode III will be on Steam!

That means you can wishlist ProtoDungeon: Episode III on Steam!!!!

And here's a little mini announcement trailer for just this occasion :) (and turn up the sound! I made a lil tune for this!)

So please go give it a wishlist!

Steam's inner machinations are something of a secret to everybody, but wishlists absolutely help the folks who make games. It's one of the most important ways you can help me, even if you're not sure you'll ever buy it. Wishlists get games seen, so please wishlist!

I'm really excited about this. This one actually my original plan for ProtoDungeon, to put each individual episode up on Steam and use the experience to improve… but I was talked out of it by a guy who was mad that Episode I wasn't a full-length game, and by his predictions of my failure. I switched to only publishing for free on Itch and decided The Waking Cloak and ProtoDungeon DX would be the only games I put on Steam.

I wish I'd never listened to that guy. He clearly didn't care about me, and I let his words and attitude control me.

The future is ever-shifting

There's a lot of things I've been doing because I felt like (and have been told) I should be doing. So for the future, I had been intending to really hit the ground running on all fronts, posting to social medias everywhere, launching tiktok and insta reels and youtube shorts, and generally pouring my efforts into "marketing."

I don't think there's anything wrong with this, but it's also… not me? It's not really what I want for my future. I've thought long and hard about this hobby, and I want to enjoy the parts I enjoy, and not let pride prevent me from letting other people take over the parts that I'm not really good at and don't have the time for anyway. Let's face it: my plate is full with my job, my kids, my house, taking care of my wife, chronic illness/pain, etc.

On top of that, I've been off social media for a long time now, and it's been so restorative. I don't fault anyone for being on any of them, and I'll poke my head up every now and then, but… I'm letting go of "making it" on socials. I can't keep up with the sacrificial requirements of the Algorithms. I can't keep up with the comparison game with everyone else making stuff on there. I had spent a lot of time curating my feed(s) so that I saw only wonderful people making wonderful art, and I still felt like I was always "coming up short."

The new plan: just post here on the devlog… just things I want to post. Focus on making my games and having fun doing it. I'm not gonna spend time finding the opportune moment to generate traffic or to say just the right things to sell people on playing my games or learn all the metrics and stuff. I won't post in every conceivable space hoping I'll get enough momentum to go viral or even just noticed.

Will that mean fewer wishlists, fewer followers, fewer people playing my games? Yes. And I'm content with that. I just want to enjoy the act of making games. I don't need to "make it big" anymore. I look up to folks like ConcernedApe (solo dev of Stardew Valley) and Team Cherry (small team behind Hollow Knight) and their lovely games and experiences, but I don't need to BE them anymore. I'm me, and I like being me.

Okay but what am I actually doing…?

Practically speaking, the plan is now as follows:

Publish ProtoDungeon 3 on Steam/Itch for $8.99, with a two-week launch discount of 15% (so, $7.64). I'd like this to be in Q1 of 2025, but I'm keeping things loosey goosey here

Publish PD1 and PD2 on Steam for $4.99 each, with the same builds as on Itch now (so they won't have Steam achievements). These might come before 3 is released, we'll see!

Continue with episodes 4 and 5, also on Steam/Itch--these will be significantly quicker to develop than 3, as they will be smaller and also will not require fundamental changes as 3 did. Pricing will probably be lower than for episode 3 and likely higher than episodes 1 and 2.

All of the above will be self-published!

Once those are complete, I will be working on The Waking Cloak, and it's here that I'm seriously considering looking into a publisher. I do want my games to be played by more people, and having professionals handle all the marketing and socials and console porting and other fine details would be such a burden off my shoulders. I've got my eye on a few in particular, but I'm putting more thought into this before I say anything else.

What about…?

Why are you working on ProtoDungeon and not The Waking Cloak? Trick question! (You didn't know you were asking a trick question, did you?) I say this a lot but it bears repeating: ProtoDungeon is helping me build up the mechanics and assets for The Waking Cloak, and is helping me get lots of practice with game design, as well as with art and publishing and so forth.

Will ProtoDungeon have spoilers for The Waking Cloak? Nope! The only spoilers will be purely mechanical, but I'm holding back a lot of puzzle concepts and a few mechanics for TWC itself. ProtoDungeon is a separate prequel story and has unique dungeons that will not show up in TWC.

What is ProtoDungeon DX? This will be the combination of all the ProtoDungeon episodes, with the early episodes rebuilt, and with additional content (like an overworld). I'm planning on working on this after The Waking Cloak. There will be some kind of discount based on your collection of individual ProtoDungeon episodes. I don't know how that works yet, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. Whatever happens, I want to make sure it benefits y'all.

Why isn't ProtoDungeon free anymore? Simply put, because I think they're worth it. I've put a lot of time and effort and love into them. Also, I have a family to support, and this hobby is not free either! The episodes are short, yes, and that's why they'll cost less than a movie ticket.

Patreon? Development will be open and free as always, but patrons will get a first look (like with this post!) There are other goodies at higher tiers, too. And I should mention: funds go towards stuff like key art, publishing fees, and other minor operating costs. I was able to commission some wonderful art for ProtoDungeon: Episode III with y'all's support, but I've also bought some music tools (such as Chipsynth SFC), and I have a Studio Spacefarer P.O. box as an official address for legal reasons when publishing newsletters. I also am able to keep the main site, https://studiospacefarer.com, up with these funds. So, thank you!

To the future!

ProtoDungeon: Episode III has been a difficult beast to tame, partly because of fundamental changes to all the systems, but also because of where it fell in my life, amidst the pandemic and grief and changes and moving. It's become more important to me because of that, because it's a way to process everything. I had always known ProtoDungeon was about grief, but now it's much more personal.

I'm excited to work on things again. I look forward to sitting down and working out the details and adding the new ideas. I can't wait for y'all to experience it. Thank you for following along, and here's to future days!

Oh and did I mention…? please wishlist ProtoDungeon: Episode III on Steam :)

[butchpeace]

Hi Sam!

I found a post that you wrote about detransitioning and I decided to visit your blog.

I’m very sorry that you experienced negative effects from HRT. I hope you’re doing better now.

However-

I truly don’t believe that your singular experience is enough to invalidate hundreds of trans people who have received positive effects from HRT. And yes, I know there are other detransitioners in the world, but there are also lots of people who like HRT and found it life-saving. People have different results from HRT, and some bad experiences shouldn’t mean that we give up HRT for everybody, especially considering how many people find it life-saving, and also the fact that HRT is used to treat cisgender people, too.

I have trans friends right now who are on HRT and are feeling the best they’ve ever felt about themselves. And I have trans friends who don’t take HRT yet but cannot wait to take it. I myself experience dysphoria, and if I could take puberty blockers or get surgery, I would (I am agender).

Lastly, I just want to say that even though you may not believe you’re trans anymore, there are still so many valid trans people in the world. Again, your experience does not and cannot invalidate the feelings and experiences of other people, because we’re all different and we feel different things for ourselves!

You probably won’t respond to this, but I would love to hear your point of view, mostly just to educate myself on other people’s opinions. And I hope you’ll change your mind about your current opinions.

-Cass

Hey Cass. Thanks for your question and for being respectful! This is a good opportunity for me to put together the research I’ve found so far. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a long one!

I genuinely hold no ill-will towards people who are currently transitioning. I have many trans friends who I care about and love. My opinions are based entirely in empathy and care for all people who have been on cross-sex hormones.

I agree with you that there are transitioning people who are, at the moment, happy with their decisions and experiencing no negative health effects. And I agree that some of them may go the rest of their lives that way. And if that’s the case, I’m glad for them.

However, the harms of testosterone have been covered up by the trans community for a very long time. We’re now starting to see research backing up what detransitioners have been talking about for years.

What testosterone does (this is the main selling point) is shut down the ovaries’ normal production of hormones. Puberty blockers also disrupt the natural functioning of the ovaries, which disrupts the natural growth process of children’s bodies. This can be reversible in some cases when you stop taking it, but many people find that their ovaries don’t start working normally again after stopping. Not producing enough hormones naturally can lead to many health issues, some of which can be very serious. Some of us need to take estrogen HRT after stopping T. Some develop PCOS while on T, which doesn’t go away. A small amount become infertile.

Testosterone also will eventually cause atrophy in the reproductive organs in most people. For some, it only takes a couple years on T before the vagina and uterus atrophy and cause chronic pain. Many people will claim this can be reversed by using vaginal estrogen, but we have no proof of that, and anecdotal information to the contrary. In fact, doctors didn’t even know that vaginal atrophy was a side effect of being on T until maybe five years ago, when they officially added it to the list of risks. Most of them weren’t prescribing vaginal estrogen before then.

Many people have had unnecessary and/or unwanted surgery because of this issue, and there are other people who have been living with chronic pain for many years, even after stopping T.

So here’s the research we have so far: 94% of females on testosterone develop some form of pelvic floor dysfunction, which can affect bladder and bowel function, sexual function, and can lead to pelvic organ prolapse. (x)

Nearly every detransitioner I’ve talked to has vaginal atrophy that has not improved, without treatment, since stopping T and which causes them more serious problems than just dryness. See this post for more information on our pelvic floor health. (x)

Here’s the study that showed 72% of people on T developing pelvic pain. (x)

Females on T are 4% more likely than women and 2% more likely than men to have heart attacks, according to the American Heart Association. (x)

The health risks they tell you about when you start T include high blood pressure, high cholesterol, and increased red blood cell count. I experienced the first 2 problems while on T, despite having a very healthy lifestyle and I’ve heard of others who experienced the same.

Many people also experience symptoms of menopause, even while on T. Hot flashes, fatigue, headaches, muscle pains, dry eyes, mental health conditions, bone problems, and many more symptoms can all be connected to having ovaries that aren’t functioning at their normal, healthy levels, or not having them at all. I’ve experienced some of these myself and have talked to others who also have these issues.

All in all, we’re kidding ourselves if we think that the doctors who prescribe these things actually understand the long term effects of testosterone on the female body.

There’s so little understanding of women’s bodies in the first place due to historical sexism and neglect of women’s health issues. A lot of doctors don’t understand menopause or the symptoms of it in the first place, so how are they going to diagnose issues like that in young people undergoing cross-sex hormone treatment?

And this isn’t even touching the issues many people report with nerve pain and discomfort after top surgery, rib problems after binding, and other surgery complications.

On top of that, transition has only been widely available to people (in numbers large enough to study) in the past 10 years. That’s why we don’t have long term research that this is safe yet. It’s literally impossible for us to have it.

We also have extremely poor data to show how many people continue hormone treatment and how many people stop. Because of this, we have practically no data on the real detransition rates in the US. Most people who detransition simply stop seeing their HRT provider and stop hormones on their own. None of them are counted in any numbers that we have. There’s also an incredible amount of stigma surrounding transition regret in the trans community. From that we can assume that there are at least some trans people who simply don’t talk about the fact that they regret it. Therefore, the 1% detransition/regret rate that’s thrown around is likely way off.

So, the doctors are lying. They’re telling us it’s safe, effective, and necessary when they don’t actually know that. The whole concept of being trans is based on the idea that you need to take these hormones in order to improve your mental health. And what is that based on? The vague fact that some people are distressed about not being the opposite sex. A hypothetical suicide rate that was never really proven, because they don’t do controlled research to see how many people commit suicide if they don’t medically transition vs when they do. To me, that doesn’t seem to be enough to hold up an entire medical industry that profits from giving primarily homosexual people hormone imbalances and risky surgeries.

This is why I call transition “medical malpractice”, and disagree with it. It’s not based on hatred, but on facts. They do not have the proof to show that this is safe, effective, and necessary. They just claim they do.

I hope that clarifies my position, and feel free to ask any further questions! I also want to note that I have an open mind, always. If the facts end up contradicting my opinions, my opinions will change. ✌🏼

[gleditsia-triacanthos]

hitting an especially rough patch at the moment, so what are everybody’s top tips for living with a chronic illness? my dx is ceds, but i hope a kind of take-one-leave-one can also help you.

here’s what i’ve got:

- anti-emetics aren’t working in a pinch? get an alcohol wipe, smell it on the inhale and hum on the exhale. (don’t keep this up for longer than you need to!)

- my condition causes fatigue but my gastrointestinal problems mean no caffeine. if i need just to avoid falling asleep, i chew mint gum.

- you can use an airplane pillow in your bed at home. i’m officially giving you permission. it helps a lot with sleeping with a hypermobile neck.

[anavatazes]

Being Disabled Sucks Ass

Scary time story after a short context story.

I have a few chronic illnesses. Most are very manageable and give no problem whatsoever. We have had a switch in insurance recently at my husband's job, which has made managing a few a little trickier. One in particular is showing itself to becoming more than a bit dangerous. You see, the co-pays of the insurance are astronomical, and they won't cover certain treatments or medications that WILL work for my illnesses. So, it's been a nightmare. And the one that is showing itself as becoming more dangerous? My cluster headaches/migraines.

Scary time story.

I took Mara with me to go pick up the husband. She loves a good ride, loves going to the restaurant as they all know her and love her, and it's a good time. Plus, I mind my Ps & Qs on the road 😊. So we get her daddy, and we are on the way back in the neighborhood (THANKFULLY!!!), when I feel a weird sensation along the left side of the back of my skull. Normally, it's the right side with the migraines. The clusters will be everywhere. It felt almost like a snap and a punch, all at once. I did slow down, and the husband asked if he needed to take over. My oh so lovely grasp of the English language when the brain is in these conditions -

Might.

He told me to pull over, which I was doing anyway.

So he got us home, made sure I took my headache meds, and laid down with me and Mara. My Dust Bunny kitty snuggled up with us, too.

So, yeah.

Was supposed to go Trooping today with the Mando Mercs and 501st today as a Handler on the USS Yorktown for their Trick or Treat event. The head still feels weird, and the left eye is twitchy. I think it best I stay home, even though I really want to go. I miss everybody, and really, really want to go to the dinner after.

So, yeah. Being disabled, especially in America, sucks.

Please send Joel, Frankie, all three Marcus', Magneto, and honestly? Just Joel. Really need the Papa Bear.

[graaythekwami]

I really love ur writing, so I was curious if you had any miraculous ladybug fic recs? No worries if not <3

Fic recs coming right up!

---

Guardians by Wintermoth

In the year 2015, Marinette Dupain-Cheng said yes to Tikki, the kwami of Creation. Two days later, Adrien Agreste said yes to Plagg, the kwami of Destruction. For the first time in over a thousand years, the cat and the bug were starting fresh. (immortal AU)

My absolute favorite fic of all time. This is a fic that was written back in Miraculous Ladybug's early days, and while it's unfinished it's still one I love to reread. Its an immortal AU where the kwamis are basically gods, and their chosen are sent out to fight the dangers of the world, putting things on a scale much larger than canon. If you love OC kwamis and awesome lore, this is definitely a must read.

---

I'll Handle This by P_Artsypants

“I’ll solve all your problems,” Plagg had said. “You just have to agree to it.” A fixed relationship with his father, Lila to stop bothering him, and Ladybug to fall in love with him? Who wouldn’t agree to that? Except Plagg was the God of Destruction and Chaos and had a more…hands-on approach. Adrien just wants his body back.

This fic is pure comedy gold. If you haven't read it yet go and read it now! It's a Plagg and Adrien body swap, featuring Plagg doing all he can to annoy Gabriel and Lila, what more could you want? If that doesn't convince you, then you're missing out on Plagg breaking out of jail. How do you not want to read a fic about Plagg breaking out of jail??

---

The Great Banana Search by Walkingonthestars

A small, careless move by Hawk Moth exposes his identity to a citizen of Paris. But this citizen has a secret identity of their own, and that makes finding them and taking care of the situation a rather slippery pursuit. Basically, Mr. Banana sees Hawk Moth detransform, and Gabriel and Nathalie work to find out who's behind the banana suit so they can shut him up before he talks. As Gabriel fears that the person in the peel was none other than Cat Noir himself, he also notices that Adrien seems to upset and hiding something.

One of the best "crack treated seriously" fics I've ever read. Mr. Banana discovers Hawk Moth's identity, and it's written from Gabriel's POV.

---

Lows and Highs (of Adrien Agreste) by Blackcats_Butterflies

Adrien Agreste- Teenage supermodel, son of Gabriel Agreste, hero of Paris… Type One Diabetic. When Adrien is diagnosed with a chronic illness, he goes through the mental struggles of dealing with this new life. Nothing will ever be the same again, and if anyone were to find out, he'd be humiliated. The world would find him repulsing. Who would want to love someone who was constantly giving themselves shots? Marinette would.

This in-progress fic is about Adrien being diagnosed with type one diabetes, based on the author's real experiences. This fic shows the reality of having a chronic illness, the emotional struggle that the characters go through (especially thanks to Gabriel being a horrible human being), and just Adrien having actual supportive people in his life. Also it has plenty of Adrinette as well, a very good fic. (There's also a prequel about Adrien's diagnosis.)

---

Out of Your Orbit by Buggachat

Nino still remembered how much fun they had together, playing videos and cracking jokes. He remembered the dorky way that he snorted when he laughed, but he also remembered how it felt to hold him in his arms, to brush his soft blond hair out of his eyes and kiss him like they were the only two people in the world. He remembered believing that he'd always be there. “You got something against Gabriel?” Alya asked with a quirked brow. Yeah, he had something against Gabriel.

*Slams fic on the table.* Adrino. Nothing else you need to know, go read it. You will cry.

---

drowning (in plain sight) by Buggachat

Everybody had expected Monarch's defeat to be a moment of triumph. Nobody had expected Gabriel Agreste, unmasked and mind frayed from continual abuse of the miraculous, crying out to all who would listen and making Paris certain of one thing: His son, Adrien Agreste, is one of his sentimonsters. And now he's missing. Nobody can find him— not even the superheroes, and not even his closest friends. But Marinette, Nino, and Alya aren't ones to give up so easily. They'll find him, no matter what it takes. (But, geez, would it kill Chat Noir to lend a hand?)

If you somehow haven't read this fic yet then here's your sign to. Another Buggachat fic that will make you cry, in which Adrien and the world learns that he's a senti and the son of a villain, and sunshine son does not take it well.

---

Exposure by Nomolosk

A week before the interview where now 18 year old Adrien Agreste is supposed to publicly sign away his life to his father, Adrien shows up in the office of Nadja Chamack to discuss some… changes… to the proposed interview.

Adrien uses a live interview to ruin Gabriel's life, and it's beautiful.

---

is it chill that you're in my head? by BringTheStorm

Alya stared at the picture plastered across the homepage of every single tabloid and news site, whispering every curse she could think of under her breath. SHOCKING SECRET ROMANCE BETWEEN LADYBLOGGER AND PARISIAN SUPERVILLAIN REVEALED!!! the headline announced, casually shouting the words she had been dreading for all of Paris to read. Alya had always assumed that someday Paris would discover that she had secretly been kissing their most wanted vigilante, but she had never thought it would happen so soon. As the domino effects of her relationship with Ladybug go spiraling through her life, Alya turns her sights towards the one responsible: the elusive superhero Hawkmoth. AKA Someone outs Alya and her girlfriend so she retaliates by deciding to take down Hawkmoth

An AlyaBug fic in which Hawk Moth has convinced the entire city that he's the hero and that Ladybug and Chat Noir can't be trusted. I love the universe that has been set up in this fic, with Hawk Moth's manipulation being on a different level. Also it's AlyaBug with background Adrino, what more do you want?

---

Nobody's Perfect by fleurjaune (fleur_jaune)

Gabriel’s hands still on his ring. There was nothing wrong in Adrien’s reaction per se. He doesn’t know how else he expected Adrien to respond. Technically Adrien’s reaction was completely correct. It was what he’d want from his son. Happiness. Gratitude. An Eagerness to please. And yet he can’t but think that something seems off.

Probably the most unique take I've seen on a senti!Adrien story, where Gabriel and Nathalie actually don't know that Adrien is a senti, and all the emotions that come with that as that realization sets in. This fic features a Gabriel that does care about his son, while still being far from an ideal father, with GabeNath moments as well.

---

A Little Fall of Rain by Druwho

Unable to transform in time, Marinette sacrifices her life to save Adrien from an assassin. With the help of the Kwamis, Adrien is able to bring her back to life, but it comes at a price. One that Adrien alone must pay. Now, Adrien is forced to keep even more secrets. The fact that Marinette is alive and that she has been his Lady all long. More than ever, they must defeat Hawkmoth. Only then can Marinette return to her life.

This is a sweet and emotional story with plenty of Adrienette, Marinette and Adrien trying to navigate a world that believes that Marinette is dead.

[fainting-fat-cat]

Things you probably didn't realize are dismissive and often times demoralizing; a non-comprehensive list:

-Chronically ill or disabled person says, "Man my body hurts, I wish I could transplant my brain into a pain-free body."

Friend responds, "I think everybody feels that way sometimes."

Uh, no bitch. I mean, yes, bitch. But also, no. The pain we are talking about is VERY fucking different.

-Chronically ill or disabled person says, "I'm so tired. I slept 12 hours and I feel like I never slept."

Friend responds, "You shouldn't be tired! Just have some caffeine and quit whining!"

Or alternatively, "I'm tired too. We're all tired."

I know you're tired. But your tired came about because you stayed up too late doom scrolling and mine is because my body hates me and chooses violence at every opportunity. It doesn't really matter how much or little I sleep because I'm in some awful place where sleep is imaginary and rest doesn't matter.

-Chronically ill or disabled person says, "I'm just feeling really defeated, you know? It's hard to lose so much of what felt like me."

Friend responds, "You've just got to be positive! It'll get better."

Ah yes, the power of positive thinking. Well, Karen/Kyle, I think you say that because my supposed bad attitude makes you uncomfortable and quite frankly I don't give a fuck about your comfort in this matter.

-Chronically ill or disabled person choosing to disclose something about their condition in order to safely interact with someone, "Just a heads up, I have this condition and it can make existing difficult in this way that pertains to you."

Coworker/acquaintance/friend says, "Oh my god, you're such an inspiration. You're so strong!"

Or alternatively, "You're just trying to get out of this thing."

OR, "Have you tried yoga? My cousin's sister's dog's nephew did yoga and it completely cured everything that's ever been wrong with him."

I'm seriously going to punch the next person who says this shit to me in the face and have no remorse. And no, they're not just trying to be encouraging. Get fucked.